Identity, Motherhood and Being a Woman

62% of women feel they lost their identity after motherhood.

More than half of the mothers in our country feel motherhood robbed them of their identity. That number is too high for comfort and that reality is an unsettling one. 

I had the pleasure of attending a women's conference in July, where the speaker panel shared this sobering statistic. While I stood there massaging women's shoulders and low back, I realized that this could possibly be one of the very few moments that the woman in my chair has taken the time to do something for herself. To get back in touch with her body, feel how it feels and what feedback it's telling her. Which was most likely "I need more of this." She does and she deserves too. But yet, she doesn't.

Why?

Because the guilt she feels if she stops doing something for the kids, the house, the spouse, the business, etc. Or because shes holding onto control so tightly, that she can't let it go. In her mind, if she doesn't do it, it won't  get done or it won't get done correctly. So she has to do it. This is called 'having the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

The other reason she isn't taking time to attend to her own needs? She has tied her worth into her productivity. How many tasks she accomplished, what she's doing for other people or what she has completed for the day. If there's no measurable output, then she doesn't believe she deserves to take the time for herself. That's called 'running on fumes.'

Repeat after me: Never let anybody, including yourself, make you feel guilt for pouring back into your own cup. For taking agency over yourself and allowing yourself to go on the calendar; for a workout, a massage, a therapy session, a breath-work session or a day to explore and do the things you love to do. 

There is no measurable amount of work that needs to be done to grant you permission to engage in self-care. Although self-care does not directly connect to a sense of identity, the more you spend time with yourself; tending to your needs, thinking about your wants and desires, contemplating what makes you feel good or what stirs up other feelings helps you begin to understand who you are better. The more you do things for yourself, the better you understand yourself.

Identity doesn't come from external forces. Its something very deep and visceral. Self-worth is the same. Worth isn't decided from external forces. It's inherent in each person. The only person who can determine your identity and your worth, is you. But how often do we tie our identity, or worth, soley in external factors? Our nationalities, our schools, our cities, political affiliations, sport teams, etc.? When the reality is, those things don't give meaning to us, we give meaning to them. They don't determine our identity, we just chose if they align with our own. So be kind yourself and take agency over who you are.

As a parent, this is the best lesson we can help our children to understand as well. So take the time to do this with your kids as well, if that makes doing it more realistic for you.

True sense of identity doesn't come from the labels we place upon ourself. It's not determined by a resume, a degree, a title or a career. That includes, being a mother.

So I have to wonder, how many of the mothers in that 62% struggled with their identity before motherhood? Only to realize that being a mother, isn't in itself an entire identity. Often times we take on titles believing that those titles will give us a sense identity and a sense of purpose. But, the harsh truth is... our identity is not something that any title or label can define. Those are only 'hats' that we wear. Sometimes we wear one and sometimes we wear another. 

Identity isn't one thing, its the multifaceted combination of many things that form a sense of self. Attempting to easily define oneself, in actuality, results in denying oneself. Identity is the good, bad, the beautiful, the ugly and everything in between. It must all be embraced. We soon come to realize, identity is nothing. The less we attach ourself to, the better.

True identity, the mantra "Sat Yam" in Sanskrit (chant it), can only be found by going within, not outside. So while finding the hobbies, downtimes, therapies and modalities that align with you are of vital importance to your sense of self-ownership and happiness. They don't define you or create your identity. That requires stillness, reflection, meditation and awareness of self. 

Your true identity is found in those moments of stillness and introspection, where the only energy you feel is that of your own and you find peace, in the moment.

Social media is another reason so many of us struggle with identity. We seek purpose and validation in reels, content and posts. We compare ourselves, we change who we are to fit a mold and we try to assimilate our greatness into what everyone else is doing. Social media is loud, full of opinions, misinformation, propoganda and bad faith actors; yet we tie our identity into profiles, bios and pages. Perhaps this is why we find identity so hard to define. We seek it in all the wrong places, when it really just requires searching within and finding that beautiful emptiness of our mind. It's only in that moment, that the right revelations and messages will come. Not when we keep hitting that same wall.

Through bodywork, therapeutics and meditation you begin to learn about the parts of yourself that get covered by the world around you. You begin to feel where in your body you're storing triggers that need to be released. Or psycho-emotional stress that needs to be released.

I'm still sobered by the number I heard. 62 percent.

So, by being aligned with my purpose and my identity, every woman who sits in my chair and every woman who gets on my table, gets all of me, in that moment. I listen to their needs, speak to them or let them rest, make them laugh or help them achieve a deep state of relaxation because it is my hope that in every session or time frame you have with me- you get closer to yourself every time. 

Rooting for you. Always,

Nicole Ortega LMT, writing as Nikki the Nerd LMT.

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